Updated: Oct 4, 2019
Things happen in life that can cause you so much pain and frustration that it can be hard sometimes to move on so you find yourself stuck. You can experience so much pain that it can be difficult to be productive and enjoy life, you could just be existing in limbo. More often than not, you may not be aware that you are stuck. You could still appear to be living a normal life, doing the usual day to day activities, going to work and doing your daily chores and keeping your daily routine.
Some people are stuck in unsatisfactory jobs where they do not feel appreciated and not even earn enough to live a reasonably descent life. Year after year, they stay hoping things would change, but they don’t, and 10 years later, they are still here unhappy, frustrated but finding it hard to look for better jobs somewhere because now they are no longer confident.
I had a chat with someone who thought she would be fulfilled once she got married, had money, bought a house and a car but realized that all those things did not bring her fulfillment and she was feeling stuck and didn’t know why. The truth is she had dreams and she was not able to spread her wings and realize her potential. She had a brilliant business idea that she wanted to pursue, but felt like it would be unfair to her family if she had a business, she was also hoping her spouse would believe in her dream and support her, but he didn’t, therefore she was stuck and unable to enjoy her life because of the dream that she was unable to pursue.
For some it is different. Some people are stuck and unable to move on after a failed relationship or divorce. I have come to realize that for people who would have invested a lot in their relationships, and have worked hard to maintain the said relationship only to crumble in spite of their best intentions, it could be hard to move on - particularly if you find that you have lost your friends, your family, your dignity, your good name, and your identity as a result of this relationship. It is harder if you ignored warnings and advice and felt that “your love will conquer all obstacles” or that “you will change him” and then realize what an impossible task this turned out to be.
You know you are stuck when you walk around with a template or image of your pain or the person who has left you and use it to judge the next relationship. When you are so guarded, expecting the next person to act the same way as the one who left you or when you completely refuse to allow anyone to come too close; when your self-esteem is so low that you don’t believe you are lovable, but believe that the person who left was the only person capable of loving you. The truth is when someone leaves you, you feel crushed, helpless, unsure how to move on, especially if you have been with them for a long time. You have to take responsibility of your own life - you really should not allow someone to move on and enjoy their life while you are stuck wondering, hoping and expecting them to come back.
Years ago in my teenage years an ex boyfriend committed suicide. I had already moved on from the breakup which he had initiated. When I heard the news of his passing I had just started a new job so I was working on the day of the funeral. I heard my colleagues talk about this, but I was unaware that this was the same story. I cannot explain to you the shame and humiliation this brought on myself and my family. Everyone felt that the suicide was as a result of our break-up. We were alienated and isolated in our village for a very long time. Suddenly I was known by people who hadn’t met me, I was the talk of our small town. I went through so many emotions in this time, that I felt like I needed to clear my name but I didn’t know how. I wanted to shout it out to the whole village that he had broken up with me, but I couldn’t.
I was stuck . . .
I went on to live a “normal” life but I carried this pain with me for years. I repeated this story to my husband over and over. I would re-live it again and again. I was not able to commit fully to my husband because I was stuck in my past pain, hurt, hatred, and shame. One day I realized that I had willingly enjoyed being a victim. I decided to live and to move on from this past pain that has been hanging over my head that I had carried with me for many years.
Here is what you can do to move on with your life:
Acknowledge the pain and your part, whether you have willingly stayed for 10 years in a job that does not bring you satisfaction, or whether you have expected someone else to believe in your dream and when they didn’t, you have sabotaged yourself by staying and waiting this long and nobody else but you are solely responsible for remaining in this state.
Forgive yourself for the part you played and forgive the people who hurt and disappointed you, release them and let go of anger, bitterness and resentment. You might not immediately forget but forgive and eventually this will become a distant memory.
Seek help. Find someone you can talk to who can help and encourage you to deal with your pain, heal and to help you move on without judging you.
Check your tribe, your friends; the people you hang around with. Move away from friends and people who feed your pain.
Work on rebuilding yourself, your confidence, self-esteem, self-worth and work on transforming your life. Get a journal and start writing your thoughts, goals and vision and see how quickly things change.
Let go of the templates and images of your past pain. Those that you carry around and use to judge the next potential partner or boss.
Live again, go out, make new friends, find new hobbies, read books, listen to inspirational and motivational messages.
True transformation takes time and patience. Be patient with yourself as you take a step daily towards your freedom. Keep moving forward, cry, scream, shout, but refuse to be stuck, bound and in bondage further.
Thought: “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily beset (harass, attack on all sides) us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” – Hebrew 12:1
You could be stuck in something different from what I’ve mentioned in this article. If you are unable to move on with your life, let’s talk. Click here
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